Posted: August 18, 2013 in The NERVOUS STOMACH Series

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Current mood: Holiday Happening
Category: Holiday Happening Life

I’m twenty-five and Amy Grant has come out with another awesome Christmas album — Home for Christmas.  I pop it into the CD player, crank up the volume, and open a bottle of wine. 

Just when I get to the part in Grown-Up Christmas List where my eyes tear up, somebody starts beating on my apartment door.  I look through the fish-eye, it’s some girl.  She sorta looks familiar, but I can’t place her.  But it’s Christmas Eve, so I open.  

“Glad you answered,” she says, pulling a sawed-off shotgun from behind her right leg.  “Shut off the fucking Christmas music, gay boy, or I’ll shut you both off.”

She points the gun at me.   Too late I recognize her as “Mad-On Martha”, the gay-bashing right-wing hate-crimer who’s been terrorizing my city for too long.

I walk toward the stereo.  My heart pounds, my hair tingles, but my mind races.  I mentally calculate the distance: the couch, the CD tower, her gun, the distorted light from the Christmas tree. 

“Did you know,” I say, pushing the Eject button on the CD player, “that I was discus champion at my high school?”

It all happens at once: She pulls the trigger, I’ve got the CD in my hands, I fling it into the air between me and the barrel, the bullet is deflected toward the ceiling, I grab the bonus DVD from the Amy Grant pack (the one with the “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” video on it), now I’m spinning it into the air, now it’s cracking across her forehead, now she’s on the carpet and there’s blood.  

“By the way,” I say, as the police haul her away in handcuffs, as they praise my finely honed disc-throwing skills, as I receive the $10,000 reward for apprehending a wanted felon, as the reporter from The Empty Closet asks me again to spell my name. 

She turns for a brief minute. 

“Merry Christmas!”  

For FUN, I put my stuff at
For SERIOUS, I put my stuff at 
I invite you to visit my stuff.  


Currently   listening :
  Home for Christmas  
  By Amy Grant
  Release date: 06 October, 1992     

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